FREMONT—Two mothers who have started a support group for parents coping with the death of an infant know firsthand how much it helps to talk with someone who has lived the experience.

Peggy Rodriguez lost her 8-week-old daughter, Samantha, to SIDS in 1998, and Carey Heyman’s daughter, Aryn, was stillborn in 2002.

The women became friends after Ms. Heyman received a note of condolence on the death of her daughter from Mrs. Rodriguez, a member of Fremont St. Joseph Parish. Mrs. Rodriguez regularly wrote families when she saw infant obituaries in the paper, providing her phone number in case they wanted to talk.

Ms. Heyman, a member of Fremont St. Ann, was the first to respond.

“I think what helped me most was knowing that I wasn’t the only one going through this,” Ms. Heyman recalls. “That’s what was so important to me when I met Peggy.”

In the years since, the women frequently discussed the need for a local infant loss support group. Mrs. Rodriguez remembers she was hesitant about going to a support group after her daughter died, but says she ended up going to a SIDS support group in Toledo for a year because she found it so beneficial.

In May, she and Ms. Heyman organized the first meeting of Angel Babies, a nondenominational support group for parents who have experienced the loss of a baby by miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or other causes. The group continues to meet monthly.

The Fremont branch of Catholic Charities provides them with encouragement and a comfortable meeting space at its office located in the former St. Casimir rectory, where Ms. Heyman is employed as an administrative assistant.

When their local newspaper publicized Angel Babies, Ms. Heyman and Mrs. Rodriguez were amazed at the number of people who approached them to express appreciation, saying they would have loved to have had such a group available when they experienced the loss of a baby 15, 30, or even 40 years ago.

“That’s wonderful to hear people say that,” says Mrs. Rodriguez. “We’ve said all along it’s something that needs to be here, but for the community to say the same thing, it’s just reaffirming to us that, ‘yes, we’re where we need to be right now.’ ”

Local support groups do exist for parents who have lost a child, but Mrs. Rodriguez says it can be difficult for those coping with the death of an infant to relate to such groups.

“Dealing with the death of an infant is definitely unique. A different experience, I would say, than the death of an older child,” she says. “We’re mourning the future that they never had.”

For a parent who has lost an infant, even the simple question, “How many kids do you have?” can become complex.

“All of the sudden it’s like, do you want the long version or the short version?” says Mrs. Rodriguez, who has two other children — Meghan, 11, and Kristie, 7 — with her husband, Alex.

She adds that particularly those women who have had miscarriages may wonder, “Am I still a mom? Even though I didn’t get to have my infant and raise that child?”

She and Ms. Heyman distribute pamphlets about the Angel Babies group at funeral homes, parishes and Memorial Hospital in Fremont.

“Every few weeks, every month, we see another obituary in the paper,” says Mrs. Rodriguez. “And we just want people to know that there is somewhere to turn.”

The coordinators plan to build a lending library and other resources for Angel Babies with a grant they received from the St. Casimir Foundation and donations from local funeral homes.

They also want to create a scrapbook to encourage parents to share photographs of their babies, which they may feel hesitant about showing to other people.

Mrs. Rodriguez calls their ability to relate to other grieving parents a blessing that has come from their own losses. Both mothers hope to comfort those going through experiences similar to their own.

“You want to be able to show them that years down the road … you do survive and you can be happy again,” says Mrs. Rodriguez.

She advises bereaved parents not to be afraid to talk about their baby. “A lot of people expect you to get over it in a certain amount of time — take as much time as you need.”

The Heyman and Rodriguez families still celebrate the memories of Aryn and Samantha on birthdays and other occasions.
“Samantha is very much a part of our family,” says Mrs. Rodriguez. “Our youngest daughter never knew her, but you wouldn’t know it. She talks about Samantha, and she’s seen all the pictures.”

Ms. Heyman, who is also the mother of Austin, 12, Alyssa, 11, and Aubrey, 2, says her other children never forget either. 

“They always know their sister is there. She’s not with us now, but someday.”

The Angel Babies Infant Loss Support Group meets the first Monday of the month from 7-8:30 p.m. at 537 Lime St. in Fremont. Call Carey Heyman at Catholic Charities, 419-334-5061, for more information.